This is my vent, so don't bother reading. I am still in my funk, if you bothered to read the earlier post. Sure there have been moments where I came above the drowning but I seem to be sinking back in again. I don't know why I am still overwhelmed I don't know why I can't get out of this, it just seems there is so much going on and I don't know what to tackle first. So I am just going to be selfish and make a list of I wants and I cant's. Then hopefully it will only go up from here.
- I want summer to be over, I know no one in their right mind would say that. Anyone who knows me even vaguely knows that I would never wish for summer to be over. I have been to the beach like maybe 7 times this year. Which just makes it worse when its literally 2 miles away and we make it down like once a week or two and it never even seems to be that long.
- I want summer to be over, because I want the summer weddings to be over. I think I am completely burned out and am losing my passion for photography.Which I hate, I hate that I don't look forward to weddings anymore. (mainly just weddings).
- I have decided that next summer I am not going to take on as many weddings as I have been doing for the past 5 years. It's just too much for one person to handle. I want someone to work with me. Someone permanent.
- I am really discouraged with my photography right now. Not specifically my work, more with others. I feel like I am being under appreciated and credit isn't given where it is due. I hate getting ideas stolen. I feel like I have been walked all over when it comes to photography and I have kept my mouth shut. I wish I didn't know any other photographers, that it was just me, like back in the beginning. I wish people would actually comment on pictures I take hours posting and editing, not just for me knowing that people are actually looking and honestly like them, for my clients who are being posted on my behalf and are secretly hoping everyone will like their pictures also. I hate sitting for days checking every few hours, hoping for at least one positive thing. I have never been this way, but its happening to others, why am I not getting praised? I feel like I truly have been overlooked and fallen off the map. I'm old news.
- On a positive note, I am loving Seniors! This summer has been all weddings and I have so been looking forward to this week and have been very excited to do some shoots! I am loving what is turning out and only wishing the rest of the world did too (as mentioned in comment above). I guess as long as the client is happy thats all that matters right? I wish.
- I want summer to be over because I want my wedding to be over. Honestly. I want normal. I want to see Ben for longer than like 30 minutes a day. I hate it, its even worse then not seeing him at all. I have barely done any planning but I don't even get excited because I don't even have time for it. The rest of the details I could really care less about. I don't want to spend the money, honestly I don't. If it was "proper" of me I would totally not do party favors, I know your supposed to leave your guests something, but their choosing to participate in the day, im not making them. Isn't it like an unsaid thank you? Same with thank you notes. Now really do I have time to sit down and spend a few hours out of my day doing those. Absolutely not. I am only doing them for my mom and Grandma. Really there is so many other things I could do with my time. Like editing pictures, meeting clients, returning phone calls, unpacking my house which still isn't unpacked after a month and a half, cleaning my house which hasn't been cleaned at all yet and it's been a month and a half. I don't want to be proper. I want to elope and not spend money on things that are going to be seen and not appreciated for like an hour. No one is going to remember the flowers on the table, or what color the linens are or anything specific like that. They should be remembering Ben and I and the commitment we are making and the meaning and the happiness, if they remember that I chose to use plastic instead of china or pop cans instead of fancy glasses, well I would rather be remembered for spending wisely and having money for the future then blowing it all on one day on little things I am not going to remember. I don't care. Is that so bad? I want Ben not a party. I want to live with him and have him here when I come home, to make dinner when he comes home. To sit down and tell eachother about our day, not have to text it or the few minutes we do see eachother talk about how exhausted we are and sorry that we can't do anything for each other.
- I want people to stop complaining about the way I do things. So what if I want a cabin theme in my house or if I like an antler candelabra, or that I like wooden, rustic outside things. Just because you don't doesn't mean you have to ruin my enjoyment and happiness over decorating my new home. Because I am excited. This is me, this is Ben, this is what we love. I am not going overboard and having like deer and bears all over the place, if I have a few unique rustic pieces, let me. I obviously bought them or registered for them because we loved them. If I needed to ask your permission if its to your standards or if you like it then I would of taken you to the store and register with us. If you don't like it, don't buy it. But don't walk in my house and say "wow, why would you get that, i don't like it" well I don't care, keep your mouth shut. I don't do that to you. And please don't tell me "thats not you" obviously you really, really don't know me. Don't tell me the kind of person I am and the things I like, the way I should do things. If you knew me at all, you would know what makes me happy and not try to take that happiness away from me. Its like standard politeness 101.
- I don't want to have a wedding, because I don't want to have wedding pictures. I am disgusted with myself and that I don't even have time to work out before my own fricken wedding. Trust me if I had time then I would. I want to wait like a year to get wedding pictures. There is no way I will look like what I want by the wedding. Not that I am determined to lose like 20 pounds and be all toned. Trust me I would be happy with 5lbs and a little less flubber in the arms. Anything, anything smaller than what I am. Even just me toned up. I know I have to be realistic. I hate summer, I hate seeing women in their 50's who have had like 5 kids and look way hotter than I do. How is that possible? I hate those people who are like "hey i've lost this much" well hey maybe if I had time to spend 2 hours a day working out I could to. I'm stressed and my being stressed does not resort to losing weight its the opposite. Why am I not one of those lucky ones who sheds like 5 lbs when they get stressed. It's depressing. And please stop making comments and pointing it out that yes I am not in shape for my wedding. I do realize this and I think about it constantly. I don't need to think about that everyone else feels the same way that I do.
- I just want normal. I want to be married. I want to see Ben, I want to have time to clean and cook and hang some pictures on the wall. I want to enjoy my own life. I don't want to cry myself to sleep.
This is a vent, I know these feelings will pass, I know summer will go quickly and I will wish it had stayed. I am happy. But I just feel like I am sinking and I'm not getting out. It's not permanent.