That's all there is to say. I don't know why I have them. Here it is almost the 4th and I want to be happy, but right now its really hard. Moving sucks. Especially in the middle of wedding season. It's even worse when you have to go without internet and most importantly email, because I knew there were people contacting me and then I just fell behind because so busy moving and then not being able to even check it! So I am just going to vent about why I am in a funk, this isn't for anyone but myself and I am hoping that getting it out will just make me feel a little bit better.
This is a blog of hates... brace yourself!
I hate living in chaos, I like being organized, I like unpacking and putting things in places and going through them and cleaning out what I don't want. I don't like having too much. I like getting rid of stuff. It makes me feel better. I can't do that. I don't have time to unpack my kitchen, my room, my bathroom. I hate searching through boxes or bags until I find what I need. I hate knowing I can't find anything and I swear its missing and it scaring me because I have no idea where it is or if I will ever even see it again. I like having a neat house. I do not have one. Nor do I think I will not be unpacked until like November. Seriously.
I hate that I don't have time to work out more. I hate that I hate working out. I hate that I hated all of my engagement pictures because I am so disgusted with the way I look. And it doesn't help when I have people reassuring my thoughts and pointing out my "pudge" or "bulges" obviously I know I have them, I know I am the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I am pretty sure I know that. I know I need to lose weight and tone up. But how can I make time when I have all this going on and am emotionally and physically exhausted. I am doing my best. I need to look amazing for the wedding and I know it will not happen. But I am giving an effort. A few days a week is better than nothing and hopefully it can be more and more... I wish I never let it get this bad in the first place.
I hate that I haven't had time to balance my checkbooks in like a month and have no idea what my balance is. AHHH. I hate that I am so worried about keeping track and making sure I need to set a budget for each project I do to make sure I set enough aside to support us and pay the bills and what about emergenices and all the things I know I will forget and then when it comes I will have to figure it out. I wish I didn't have to worry and we could travel more. I want to show Ben the world well experience the parts I haven't seen with him and share all those adventures together. I wish we could just travel for like 6 months and not have to work. I wish I didn't have to worry about money and budgeting everything I do. I don't want to let him down.
I hate that I can't get my weddings finished, because there is so much going on. I like being speedy and getting them done with. I love love shooting pictures. Editing not so much. So I get more stressed when there is like 3 or 4 projects piled on top of each other. I was doing SO WELL and being so on top of it and so happy and relieved and thought the summer was going to be a breeze. All until I moved and well now its all overwhelming me.
I guess I shouldn't even say "I moved" because well I didn't even do a quarter of it because I was working on the computer so much. Honestly I thank God for Ben everyday. I don't know where I would be without him. He is the one who got and currently gets up everyday (even drags friends over) to spend hours every day moving stuff from storage, trailer, cars, garage... basically spending all his spare time doing that. Or doing stuff for my parents. He has school full time and working and yet he manages to continue doing all this stuff for me.
He is the only reason I keep from going into an even deeper funk, because I have constantly been thinking about him and how I feel like I can't do everything and I am so stressed and yet he is doing it everyday for me. I am truly blessed.
But sometimes it is so hard to keep from sinking under.
One day at a time.
I wish I could wedding plan more. I wish I could enjoy the process. I wish I didn't just want summer over and fall to come when I could not be so busy. I wish I could spend more details and enjoy the finer things of a wedding to come. But its on the back burner. Which I am okay with, there are more important priorities to me. Honestly I am more excited to just be married. To just be with Ben. Everyday to come home to, or him to come home to me. To spend the evenings with and to not have to leave every night. I want to be married. I know our wedding will be one of the best days of my life and the memories and people we share it with will forever be cherished. But I want it here and done with. I want that day to start now. I don't want to plan for it, I just want it here. I want to fast forward to October right now. I will not miss summer.
I want to cook again. I want Ben to not work everynight. I want to see him more than like 2 hours a day and thats not consecutive, a few moments here and there are not enough to keep me sane. I want a night out just him and I. I want a night or day off when I am not freaking out in my head of all the things to do and just enjoy myself.
I wish for that day.
I am happy. I really am. I couldn't ask for a better life, a better man, a better home, friends or family or a better dog. I am truly blessed and am lucky beyond imagination. I have everything I want. I really do.
I just want it to be October and not July. Ha.